I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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