Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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