The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
