my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
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i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?