my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!