Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
