so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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