if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
