There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
