Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
