god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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