Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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