I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
