Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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