This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
