By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
