I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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