i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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