I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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