My underwear smells like fireworks.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
