just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are the jesus of drinking
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
