WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
