Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
