Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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