someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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