Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
