i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
