I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My vagina just recognized that song.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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