Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
