I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Text me some of your sweat
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
