Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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