I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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