I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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