he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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