If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
