She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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