A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
