her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
