I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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