Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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