can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
