She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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