Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
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Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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