i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
