She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize