Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
