I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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