If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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