He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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