a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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