we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
