and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
