Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
