i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
