i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
